Woman in vain

Consoling myself of my mental health issue, a voice that will keep on coming up.
A brother who keeps bothering your brain.
Noises he made me feel so disrespected.
Who could have ask him to stop playing and cursing in my presence.
No one wants argument, I’d rather not talk about it.
I am just hoping that he will be gone, out of my sight.
I hope I didn’t allow him to come here instead, but those devils knew how to destroy my poise.
If I will allow them to destroy my psyche, and my good mental health, they will win and again I am losing.
I have a debt to pay, to that family I am still living.
A cousin that kept on repeating in my brain how useless I am for not helping their aunt in helping them.

I have this burden, it’s so hard to get out from them.
I have to go to church to release my anger, so I can also stop thinking about how bad they were to me, not at the moment, but in the past, and in the past that I can still feel now.
They all haven’t changed. They’re still the idiots who wants to take my happiness away from me.
A fight that I have been fighting since I came here.
If only I could turn back time, I wouldn’t have come here, but because I choose this, I have so much debt to pay now, I must work for it, I’ll do it for myself, so that I can leave anywhere without running away from anything.

The crazy Bullshits are thinking, I know their minds because I have a copy of them.
They’re playing the world, they’re not honest about themselves.
It’s a guilt that must be confessed but it’s useless.
I hate the idea of it.
When you can read their minds and they’re still lying about it.
You just have to play safe and stay away from them whenever you can. Treat them like you just met them.

But when they’re drawing you in, trying to catch you once again to act as a victim, you have the choice to escape from them one more time.
Just give them the money, that’s all they’re needing.
The food that they gave me, that’s all that hurts and it’s where they can win.
What a funny life, growing with that man this woman forced me to befriend with.
Now she’s trying to bring me close to that asshole I really hated.
I have to decide something, but I must be careful otherwise I might be doing the same wrong thing, a new cycle will begin and I want a new one not the old one.

May the lord bless me and guide me.
I really needed to rethink back of the things I have done that shouldn’t be done in order to start a new pattern.
It was my fear of someone being angry if I will do what I wanted to do.
It will put them to shame, that’s what I am hearing.
And I care enough about them that I choose not to do the things I should be doing.
But now, I am going to tell them face to face, they have to be prepared about this, they’d better be careful in approaching me, I have decided already.

No one will interfere them, I am going on my own way.
I hate that thing but I think it is designed that way to test something out from me.
You have to be focused only on your own goals.
The bullshit that you know must be kept secret or else you’re dead, haha, what the heck, I really have this mental sickness I needed help. I’m aware I am paranoid.
I overthink little mistakes.
Even hard to see the difference.
Maybe due to out of sleep.
But seriously, this feeling shits, I didn’t even know where I got it from.
It’s like a program that’s hard to reprogram.
An authoritative woman who wants her blames to be heard, how hard her life was even if she’s literally fine.
I believe my issue with my brother, triggers this woman in me that I hated to see.

That story itself made me feel tired and lazy, or maybe because I really didn’t jog today, I just read a little, took that nice picture and of course breath. So sad, I didn’t see the sun shining. Now I feel so lazy, I’ll just dance.

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