Lately, I have been reading a book about anxiety; it talks about losses and grieving and I feel like writing about my own losses and the beginning of my great anxiety. Writing it down is believed to alleviate anxieties.
My anxieties started that time my mother brought my dying uncle home. I was so scared of the dead, and dying. I wasn’t talking to him nor really had a very good relationship with him. He hated me and I was so scared all the days of my life with him around.
I didn’t really knew what to do that time because nobody listens, my mother cares too much of the dying. I have no one to share my fear with. I knew he’s dying and I lived my life scared and angry of my mother for putting me in that situation.
I really thought she’s just after his wealth but he doesn’t have any wealth at all; it was my mother who cared for him because he has no family left except a daughter who’s already married and not really getting in touch him; and I just couldn’t believe her doing that. She’s making her life a mess; and I felt so helpless because there’s nothing I can do about it; it’s her house after all.
I was so upset and I hated that entire situation, she wouldn’t even listen to me nor cared about how I felt. I thought she was selfish but it was I who’s very inconsiderate. I had no idea that my mother hadn’t grieved over her parents death. She was so scared of her mother’s death and so lost over her father chosing other families over her, and a brother who left her for a woman he loved. She also haven’t had so much time with her father growing up; he also died young. Maybe she took that opportunity to be with him to mend the gaps and to do the things she haven’t done in the past which she thought she should have.
Imagine how hard it was for her to not have a father, constantly seeking for attention from someone older than her; no wonder she’s not dating young people; and now she got someone but someone who’s dying. I simply couldn’t understand that time due to young age, probably, or maybe I chose not to because reality sucks and if I’d grieve with her it would mean facing my own past, being left by my father and her at young age; that’s so painful I wouldn’t be able to bear it.
Despite that, I should have grieved with her instead of being angry and upset, but I was also in denial of my own childhood traumas. I should have respected her decision and believed in everything she said. It was just very painful for me and to think that I didn’t have time to process everything, I had to study hard, finish college and work. My anger management issue, came from that painful truth that I hadn’t processed nor have taken time to forgive my parents for it.
I knew he’s dying without families but I din’t want to believe it, I didn’t want to feel the pain of loss. I wanted to run away from that truth, so I did. Leaving my mother suffering and mourning offer a dying man was very disappointing of me. I want her to let him go back to where he belongs, but she’s not listening. I did not know that he doesn’t really want to go back to their place because he doesn’t have anyone. I didn’t believed her; I continued being so angry over her decision. It puts me in pain and I’m so scared of it.
The time came, he died. I did not attend nor care about his burial, as if it didn’t happen. I have forgotten all the good things he did to me and her, I simply want to forget. They’re all angry of me and doesn’t want me around so I have to run away from home, get a boyfriend and mourn. Leaving home was the saddest part of my life, I had so much panic attacks and my anxieties became worse. Living with an alcoholic boyfriend and not meeting any of my friends, like I have completely shut my doors down for years.
Writing about my anger about her made me feel a little better but my anxieties remained. I still feel sad and I didn’t even bother mourning nor grieving because it was painful; I feel guilty for being so inconsiderate and not attending his funeral. I have disrespected my mother’s request and moved on with my life, which I thought I had.
I still haven’t moved on at all; any thoughts of losses makes me want to run away, like I don’t want to face it. It’s so painful and I don’t want to deal with it. Everybody hated me for it and when I returned home they’re still angry of me like I’m the worst person in the world; they didn’t understand how scared I was like my mother was when her mother died, which I believed she understood because she still accepted me back after I ran.
I was in denial for years and numb my pain instead of facing it. I destructed myself with men and it didn’t help, it became worse. The truth was that I cared about my uncle , it was me who would massage his numb legs when my mother was not around. It was me who assisted him with his other concerns, he trusted me somehow. He was like a father to me and it was only with him that I felt at home and experienced having a family. Due to old age, he started being rude to me. He wants me out, get a boyfriend; love my mother, return to my real father and get married. So far, I have done most of it, except getting married.
Things happened. I have to forgive myself for being so scared of him dying and angry for no particular reasons. I guess it’s time to start over, care for the living and forgive those who have trespassed and be more Respectful of others needs and life choices. We really do not know what they’re going through, so let them be. It’s painful and sad but it’s okay.
Climbing, Rocks! 