In February 2024, I met someone in a Bus heading to Park Mall; he’s usually not heading that direction but he’s going to meet a business partner and they’re going to meet somewhere. We had a lot to catch up and we’re so noisy inside the bus, we didn’t really care what others would say; until we parted ways.
It’s been almost 10 years since I last saw him, a quiet workmate who came in late and was offered that promotion earlier than I do. He felt a little uncomfortable about it that he asked me if I want the role, but I politely declined and said “No.” I love working with them, I learned lessons but I wasn’t trained well and not enough resources for me to self study. I hate asking from others like almost begging just to make things right.
I accepted that that role wasn’t for me, although I felt a little disappointed. I was asked to stay longer but I feel like why would I? I couldn’t find a valid reason to stay, they didn’t gave me one. Since I’m not learning anything new anyway, I resigned; but I felt guilty for not even extending for at least a year. It’s my 1st Job as an accounting staff, I wasn’t that happy; I felt exhausted, overworked, gossiped, no Vacation leaves for a year, no sick leaves (not because I can’t but because I choose to). Trying hard to belong, acting like doing something even if I’m not because I’m done with it; just to impress the boss. I totally got bored and unhappy.
Going back, we had a little chat and he felt a little tired about his job and wasn’t grateful that he wasn’t laid off during the pandemic. I intentionally gave them all the roles they wanted; even decided to give up my role for someone who liked it because I believe that I deserve a company that is moving, growing, and changing. It’s exciting to be updated with current events, I wanted to grow more, I wasn’t ready.
So there’s no need for him to feel bad about getting the role because he deserved it. I wasn’t ready for big roles so it was only right. Although everytime that kind of situation happened, I am triggered to the maximum level. It started with me not being accepted at the University I wanted to study with; getting evicted by the Accountancy program I was temporarily accepted for two years; to being not included in the leadership training program because I wasn’t ready? Oh, and that includes relationships too (I did not get what I want and the treatment I deserve for serving them.)
I’m not sure when will I be ready for everything. I think this was the pattern all along. I was in high school and I felt not ready to take on the 1st place role; I always feel like someone is better than me so they should take it; in short, I always feel like I’m not good enough because of my family background; no support system, broken, bullied, left by parents, angered by brother, cousins. It was jealousy but I thought they’re just jealous of me because of my freedom to be me; nobody cares, I decide my way of life; they call me “Free-Spirited”. But I was jealous of them too because they have family’s and I like to see them happy. They have mother, father, they’re not bullied, they’re loved.
I grew up feeling bad for being me because not everybody likes my freedom and my energy. Maybe there’s something wrong with me, I thought; and I blamed my parents for it. That thought made me feel like a victim which was a lie. It wasn’t my parents fault; I felt all the emotions from the bullying of others, judging my future; even attempted to decide for me which was not successful. It seems like I have been meeting such people for 30 years now and I wonder if there is something I can do to remove all my fear of accepting the truth because I’m so scared to be bullied.
It seems like I blocked myself from the truth in order to prevent bullies, in order to protect myself from emotional breakdown; sadness, shame, anger, shouting; but my biggest fear of the truth coming out is SHAME. “Well, it’s the truth. There’s a reason why it happened.” I’m just happy that I ended up following what was taught of me during my training back in M******e. I was taught to be vulnerable and accept what is. If the truth comes out, whatever that is, it’s the truth; whether I will laugh at it or cry about it, it’s up to me.
Sometimes, all we need is an ability to handle shame professionally and accept that “It’s the truth.” Denial is not an option. Find the reasons why it happened. One of the reasons why I was considered to be an intern and got rejected in my previous company, both friendship and career goal, was because I was redirected to something even better. A company that’s meant for me, stronger, reliable, respectful and equipped with all the experts I can learn from. From that feeling of being a FRAUD all my life; to a sense of fulfillment. I am a Specialist and it’s real, not just a position but a passion.
Now I’m happy. Unless they’ll kick me out, I’ll surely stay longer than I think I can. I think when I started to be true to myself, I started attracting real people, real jobs, real stuffs. If I can go back in time, I will accept what I failed to accept: where I live, my mother who doesn’t want to become a mother; who denies I’m her daughter and calls me and my brother “niece” and “nephew” in front of people for an invalid reason, which made me feel the worst in the world (my own mother who prefers others than me) a father who left us for a huge family, and have forgotten to give us anything, not even time, a stepmother who bullied me because my father gossiped about my mother.
It wasn’t my mother’s fault, it was the gossipers; neither the people who doesn’t like me for being me, it was the bullies; because we’re not everyone’s cup of tea, they have the right to not like us; but the bullies intentionally make you feel worse. Above all, it’s up to you on how to react with the bullies. One thing for sure, revenge is not a good option; so instead, shine through and let your fear go, keep going far without turning back until you can’t see nor hear them anymore.
I was blessed to have met a few of my good acquaintances back in college. I was not aware until I met them randomly that we worked in the same company. I felt a little bit “Not alone.” At least they’re around. I also have a good workmate who worked just next to our building although we have not met yet, but I’m lucky and blessed.
The other day, I met my classmate again after 14 years in a very awkward situation. I was standing on a Jeepney and the Jeepney was on standby; as I was about to sit on an empty seat, the driver started to drive; I fell out of balance and you know what happened next. It’s okay, I just laughed at it instead of being angry or ashame, it was funny and luckily I wasn’t bruised.
Soon as I’m properly seated, I had an eye contact with a lady seated next to me, on my left side; she then asked, “You don’t remember me anymore, right?” And I answered with her name, “Britney! Of course I do!” So we started talking and then we realized she’s also with same company I’m with; she’s there for 10 years now. I’m so proud of her. She gave advises which was valid and I’ll definitely follow through.
I’m so proud of everyone who were disqualified for that accountancy program year 2011. Some are now doctors, masters, etc. They have their own families and their lives have improved. Working in banks, etc. I’m so happy for them and it inspires me to do better, now. It’s time to move on; that rejection did not affect them, why me? 🌃 EGO is the enemy. Fear of rejection and shame really kept me away from the things I really wanted to achieve. I’m glad to be back on track. Things happened for a reason, to redirect us to the right direction.
It takes courage to try again, but it’s going to be worth it this time; so if it makes you happy, go for it! I know it will be scary, but it’s possible.
Climbing, Rocks! 