Yesterday, I went to the church, and I listened to the preachers coaching. I call it coaching, please accept that. Right, and then to my surprise he talked about Jesus as a good shepherd. A symbol of a person who is just, who takes ownership, and responsibility to his job as a shepherd to his sheeps.
I was reflecting on it and connect the dots to my personal experiences with abusive people. Before, I was doubtful if my instincts was right that I was prone to abuses. Everytime I tend to be close to someone, they abused my closeness as if they’re taking advantage of the power I gave them and used it against me, most of the time it hurts my feelings, that’s why right now, I am still not capable of intimate relationships because I decided to distant myself to anyone, that way they have no power over me.
The preachers message was right, it confirms my doubts about my instincts, I just can’t believe it before that the people I highly respected, that I thought would be my allies are the ones who’s going to put me down and made me feel so abused and taken advantaged of. But because April 25, 2021 happened, and it’s very unforgettable because I was put in a hot seat while trying to bring my “Kalawat” in my chair to eat it there– the lay minister followed me and says “Eat it”– I was going to eat it then, but he instructed me first and the people around me LOOKED at me as I ate it. I am so proud of him, he’s a good shepherd of the church, and make sure that I ate it as a sign that I accept the body of Christ and God in my life.
Though it was, the most, craziest moment, I ever had so far, in the church. The most awkward moment, very unforgettable that my ears turn hot, I feel cared and special. And I was like– I am not looking at the reactions of these people side by side. I just stayed quiet and let them go as the mass ended. That makes that day very awkward but special at the same time because my long doubts had been answered and confirmed. Now, I can accept it, because abuses indeed existed, I thought I was just making it up, another sign to trust myself and my instincts.
Powers, being abused by parents to their children’s, the authority they possess over them, manipulating their thoughts and their feelings. Uncles abusive mentality, fearing the people around them, making someone feel so useless. Not to mention leaders, right? But, one thing for sure, I knew it when I am being abused.
My relationships sucks, because I am sweet, I am a little special 😁,and I ended up always being abused, mentally yes, physically yes. I never told anyone but in my books and in this site, but yes I had. It was shameful and it was the most craziest life I had, alongside the people I was with, the elders you respected, are the ones who are too confident to do what they want because they think I am not theirs.
Oh, now I get, it is because I allowed them. So when I realized that, I decided to distant myself, to anyone whom I think has the power to abuse me. Well, it worked! My life became less stressful not having them around. And when they’re around, I just have to turn my back and move forward, tagging along will only make them feel superior.
No one can make you feel inferior if you go on your way and choose to tag along with the right people who respected you and your choices, specially your decisions, your wants, and your life purpose, short term goals and long term goals. If they are against it, there’s no point of staying still, you just let your butt get slayed. So keep moving, “You’re not a tree” I remember one of the famous author, speaker, and a great personality, said that. Guess who? You knew him!
The first step to handling abuses is again, awareness of it, that you are being abused, and once you woke up to that, and you have fully accepted your past and present abuses, which before you just can’t accept because it seems so unbelievable.
Like me, I thought parents are loving parents, parents appreciate their children’s skills and their talents and supports them. I thought they must not boast around because it can harm the child, it can spoil them. I thought parents, uncles and authorities has to be patient and must show a good example to the young like me before, I thought they’ll teach us forgiveness because they go to church, but that’s not the reality that I experienced and witnessed growing up, it was quiet the opposite, I mean all of it, except maybe for the food and money they gave which does not satisfy my soul, churches “bread of life” did, it’s my favorite food actually, I hope the lay minister knew about this ☺️.
It was the worst childhood ever full of abandonment and hatred, but for them, their childhood was even worst than I had, so they made me believe that their treatment to me was the best in the world, and that their abuses is normal, right and just. They think they are perfect that what they showed me is how a perfect mother, uncle, male cousin would do. Ah, and my ex boyfriends also thought they’re the only ones better for me. They all have same Mentality, it’s unbelievable.
But, thank goodness, I met good people who takes responsibility, who take ownership and not blame others for their shortcomings, who are proud to have me around, and are very accommodating, respectful beyond measure, who see value in you and what you can do, they are the best people in the entire world, I would say they are “Out of reach”and cannot be touched but at least I found them. So, Arigatou Guzaimaste.
Now I am free and super free to ignore abusive people who sell themselves as the best person in the entire world despite of their bad attitude and bad characters. Well, at least I knew I am not perfect and I still have so much more to learn in this lifetime, and that taking one step at a time, learning from the past and applying a new technique in the present is the wisest thing to do for now, the rest is up to our future selves. ✌️