There is this embarrassing moments I dared not to share because it’s so childish but I changed my mind, “it’s okay, I deserve to be heard and relate to.” I actually miss those days that I didn’t have to do anything but pout at my parents if I needed something, lay and sleep while everyone’s doing everything.
For 6 long years, they’ve been like my best friends and enemies too, and there’s nothing I can do to fight them but pout and be angry wanting all their attention. It was cute back then, I feel so special and shy whenever people look at me. I’m always surrounded by parents, uncles and aunts.
I still miss sleeping with my mother and playing with her hair until I fall asleep. I miss pissing off my father with my stubbornness, not letting him run away from me, always clinging to him like a pheasant, it’s funny how he gets angry every time I will decide to piggyback.
I miss asking so much questions to my father only to receive “Basta lang” answer. It’s the easiest answer if you don’t know the answer. My questions were “Why, What, When, Where” all the w’s. He must be very irritated and yet I’ll keep following him around because I feel safer.
I missed the days sneaking out from home to play with neighbors kids and returning home too late, so I have to entertain them by playing with their foots from underneath the wooden floor. They’ll knew it’s me, that was a good entrance, then I’m invited to dine with them.
Oh, those days when I have to sneak out in the middle of the night because I wanted to watch a movie, like a cat crawling up the broken ceiling. They didn’t knew I sneaked out because they were all asleep. Stealing my mother’s junk food displays just to get the toys inside, not eating it just throwing away junks. “Oops, she didn’t knew, no profits, all goes to me.”
I hated it when they broke up, it wasn’t funny anymore. They were cheating in each other and lots of gossips anywhere, it made me feel like a bad person. It’s so devastating and disappointing, oh and it’s embarrassing to not have parents to celebrate with, it always destroys the mood. Like everyone’s celebrating, so proud of them, while there I was so alone pretending to be okay, yet so upset with my parents within.
Since I started school, I grew far from them, like I have my own world, doing my chores and baby sitting my brother. It’s hard to act like a grown up when in fact, I still feel like a child inside. This part of me that had been denied of her needs, an upset child suppressed attention. I was unhappy and feeling deprived of love, appreciation, and family. Always feeling like an outcast, not abandoned but unchosen. Or maybe I was too busy, I didn’t make time to reach out.
That feeling when you know you can do it but you choose not to because it’s embarrassing if you fail and be gossipped, the trauma is real. It’s like stopping your own poop because you’re too stubborn thinking “What if” it will happen again, because you think you can’t so you didn’t even try. Someone once said, “Do not stop, do it!” Let me know.
Climbing, Rocks! 