Childhood wounds

This is how you face your childhood wounds.

When I was young, I used to be confused with which emotion to follow.

I didn’t knew right and wrong and no body taught me which way to go because I don’t share to anyone. I just trust my gut feeling and assume everything, instead of asking too much unnecessary questions.

I kept things to myself and figure out on my own while deciding to just go on and figure things out while doing something. Life was like an expirement. To me, it was trial and error. But most of the time, I go to places I feel the most safest but the most scariest. It was safe from my preconcieved negative thoughts, but physically threatening because I might get bitten by snakes hiding in those holes.

I used to stay away from people, strangers that I do not know, some new people I haven’t seen before nor being introduced by neighbors or any bloodlines. So when I saw no one familiar in the group of people, I changed direction. I usually won’t follow the right road going to school. I’ll choose the rice fields route where no other human being but a farmer. But now, whenever I am seeing, hearing or feeling something familiar, I choose the other way around. That’s how to change.

I kinda trust farmers for whatever reasons unknown to me yet, just a gut feeling. Maybe because my father’s a farmer too and he’s the only man I can trust. Maybe that old habit is useful when you can still getaway from the crowd. As I grew older, more and more people recognized me, not only because of my chinita look, but also because I am my father’s daughter. Not to mention, I performed quite good at school.

I wasn’t trained how to handle strangers, so I would always shy away, kind of ran away from them because I just didn’t knew how to handle them, how to socialize like my friends would do. I’m not even sure if I had real good friends, all of them are like my academic rivals at school in the eyes of others. But to me, they’re teammates. I never thought of them as rivals. So I go wherever they goes. And we ended up all top students during high school as friends.

I knew I had so much to learn from them, and they learned nothing from me but maybe being such a shy girl who doesn’t share anything, no self confidence, weird, etc. That’s not a lesson at all, but maybe I will consider asking them soon as I met them all. But I guess I already knew. I taught them how to make friends with someone like me. Char.

I knew I had so much more to improve, and every single day, I kept winning them. If you want change, if you want improvement you have to face the pain of being betrayed, being put to shame by the closest friends you think you were but you’re really not. I mean, not all friends started as friends. Some, you have to fake it until you make it. You ended up being friends anyway, no hard feelings. That’s why you became friends because of what happened. Right?

All those pain helped me grow. But there’s anger that’s being hidden within. I can handle the pain but not the angst within. It’s slowly weakening me, I wasn’t trained how to release anger. I had noone to share it with because I’m afraid of being angered instead of being helped. Well, that’s the environment I grew up with. My mother would always sound angry whenever I asked some help from her. It’s always my father who’s helping me. Except of course having to watch me poop, guard me, accompany me doing my personal things, he hated it and I found it so hilarious.

All those fear of being angered for asking some help or sharing the bad things at school really came from them. I must not tell anyone if I am going to poop because I feel like someone’s going to be angry with me and it’s funny. In my head, someone’s going to be angry with me because my poop smells. I mean, I felt so hopeless I can’t make it smell good. It’s nature, I can’t change it. It’s God’s business not mine, and I find it so hilarious just now. I was totally missing something before, that “It’s funny!” It’s funny when someone gets angry specially if it’s your father who’s angry with you. You know why right? They care about you, that’s the right answer.

So when scenarios like personal stuffs that needed help, where and how, or when I needed someone to be with me when I am afraid to be alone, scared of falling or failing or being lost, I am not sharing it because I am afraid of someone being angry of me. I totally forgot, “It’s funny!” I should have let them got angry. So now, you know what I mean.

That bad behavior or learned bad habbit from childhood really made me struggled from expressing myself. All, because of fear of being angered, or being ignored. My mother would either ignore me or get angry of me of my request with only one or two explanation, “I do not know or I have nothing.”

That’s why when I have problems at school I have to do it myself, I am not going to share it to others, I felt that sense of uneasiness sharing. Which was conceived of me being greedy. That’s why today, even if I am not sure of something, and it felt so uncomfortable, I’m doing it dude! I have so much time left to make it all right. Just like BTS JK in one of his songs, “I can make it right!”

But I learned to asked without fear. Asking for answers for example. But there’s a part of me that’s really weird back when I was a child, I used to search for money underneath my grandmothers house and neighbors underground, where lost coins go (they’re all kind to me by the way, and I also knew that if I asked to have it, they’ll give it to me effortlessly. Other people likes giving me something without me asking it. It’s like they knew I really liked it.) Though, I felt guilty from a thought of stealing those coins still, the truth that I didn’t bother to ask permission, I just assume. I doubted myself before, but my current teacher corrected it. It’s okay to assume. Trust your gut feeling.

I knew they already lost it but I had a feeling that I must return it back or asked it from them, but that will make me a beggar, so I just assume I already found it, it’s mine now. But I still have fear of asking for money from my parents, because they always get angry. They never told me I must work to get it. Afterall, I was just very young to work. But then again, assuming could be safe if that’s what your gut feeling told you so. Sometimes, you just have to let go of your bad thoughts about yourself. Trust that it’s okay to follow your instincts.

But I hated it because my parents wont give me coins growing up, without explanation, I mean they have coins why not give me some for keeps. They thought coins are for rich kids only and they always think I am poor, so they think I don’t deserved coins too, which I proved them all wrong now. Or maybe I was just making it all up. Again, they sound like that. I used to doubt myself, but now I acknowledge it so I can accept it and react accordingly, instead of being stucked wondering about the truth in search of the proof. Trust and decide so you can do something about it.

We were taught to assume somewhere. That’s how we solve the unknown numbers. But I took up accountancy during my college days and I was taught not to assume. Everything has to have proofs. I have totally forgotten, that it’s okay to assume, except accounting and other stuffs that involves legal matters, like work. See the difference between child life, from work life and the big world. They’re two different aspects. If you can identify it, you can easily spot someone who’s assuming, from someone who really knew what they didn’t know yet. But the best way to get unstucked is to be childlike. Assume that the unknown is going to be amazing, at it will be. Do the right thing. As long as it’s not written, the rest is all up to you. Assume good things is coming and it will be. That’s where magic comes in.

It was a bad habit that has to be changed which has changed at school. With the help of my high school friends, I learned how to share and asked help from them. They’re all there to assist me by the way, I am so proud of them and their families.

I admit I was a little bit insecure that they all have parents to support them, but I was able to fight it by putting myself on their shoes. So that made me feel like I have family as well, eventhough I didn’t have since mother left. How I wish I had a perfect family like them, but I learned to accept that I cannot change my parents choices.

I can’t even have my brother respect me as an older sister, nor have my cousin liked me as a friend, they always think highly of themselves.. Well, that sounds like me to my male cousin. It’s because he’s too close to me and his sister, he appear like gay to me or something. I hate being close to him because he’s a man and he’s going to be. I’m scared of falling in love to a cousin like what other relatives have been doing. Maybe they didnt mean it. But I always believed in “Prevention is better than cure.”

That’s why, whatever happens to you and me, it’s all because of the choices we all made in the past. If you had no idea things would turn out like what happened to you right now, if it’s good then you’re naturally lucky, but if it’s bad, it’s because you haven’t thought about your future in the past, you haven’t planned it well. Otherwise, you would have seen where you are right now. I mean, not so exactly but similarly.

How I was able to change all those fear really because of my courage to feel the pain. It’s like taking that medicine even if it sounds painful, or allowing my nurse to inject me with that vaccine even if it sounds so painful but not really that much. I mean, real pain comes from pressure. The rest of the pain are just sounds from a thought of someone in real pain like giving birth. But you’re not, remember?

You can change everything, and that change starts now. You can do it. Feel the pain of fear of facing shame, acknowledge that and decide to feel the pain of pressured change, all for the best. You must see it, so you can release it. You must see it, so you can clean it. It sounds painful, but it’s really not, unless you’re giving birth or being injected a mineral water in your deltoid.

Whatever happened in the past, happened for a reason. Everything was a process. Soon as you decided to take that shift, you will understand why it all happened. It happened for you to decide to do better things now. It happened for you to create way better than it was before. It was all just a guide for you to not do it again if it didn’t work for you.

***Next https://roselynmina.com/2020/10/22/why-should-you-keep-going/

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