How Going To Gym, Dancing and writing helped me forgive

Being a product of a broken family, sometimes I feel unsafe when surrounded by people I don’t know; I have so much traumas specially in getting into relationship, may it be romantic, friendship or just a casual acquaintance.

This fear of being bullied and judged if people knew my family background and how they looked at me like someone who’s going to be like my parents or my parents family, is really hard. I have to be surrounded with people who can see differences and believers in change, (other than what psychology teaches the psychologist).

Awareness about myself and my family helped me chose the right choices; yes I may have done what my parents did in the past, but I had it in control. I admit, that sometimes, when I’m unconscious, I become like my mom and dad; I feel self pity, I feel all their feelings, specially when triggered by the environment, including the behaviours of the people around me; my decision-making might get affected, and I noticed “I was right” all along, then I changed because I felt paranoid “Overthinking” about what will go wrong. I remember a friend once told me, “Don’t change, you’re amazing!”

Building faith and trust in my self was really hard because at the back of my mind, no matter how much degree I’ve earned or breakthroughs I might achieve; it wouldn’t change the fact that I am a daughter of two parents who have abandoned us for another; the feeling of shame and not being good enough drags me down.

So, that’s how hard my life is, emotionally. Sometimes, I feel like stopping everything because what if I can’t do it, I’ll be put to shame again and be called, “Like Mother like daughter; like father like daughter.” Then I met people who asked me to forgive them; it’s so hard but I’m trying. Otherwise, my fear of becoming like them will really happen. The more I hated them, the more I will become like them.

So, I kept on attracting people like them in all my relationships, they kept chosing someone else over me, may it be liquor or some other women; and that’s fine. This time, I won’t feel bad about myself; instead, I will feel proud of myself that Despite my childhood traumas, I was able to get through it and I am now where I am right now; slowly achieving my dreams. And to my failed relationships, I forgive you; someone once said, “You deserve someone better”. When he’s drunk his true nature will come out; counting all the things he has given. “What about the time I have spent with them?” It was a wrong choice.

Giving back and forgiving is really powerful; it reminds me of the good things those people have given me before they left me; I have so much to be thankful for. Going to gym, dancing, writing; helped my process all those emotion. It helped me chose discipline, respect and gratitude over revenge.