My time will come

I attended the Sunday Mass and I am so happy to have heard that my college classmate is going to get married. Once again, it was announced to the public and that was the 2nd time I heard one of my college classmates being scheduled to get married.

I am so happy for them. One of my closest friends is also going to get married this year, the other one already got a new big world with her daughter. I am here supporting them, seeing them transformed into something new. My first cousin just got married this year too, and my male cousin which I really hated haha is going to get married too.

It seems like everyone’s getting married. I even encouraged my brother to find a wife that would accept him for his life choices and would encourage him to become that better version of him. I like seeing them being happy and together. It fills my heart with joy seeing how complete families are. That’s because I never had that kind of family.

Mine was broken into half, I never had such loving parents, they were young and doesn’t know parenting, I learned everything by observing my elders and choosing good people to influence me. That way, I know I can be free. Even until now, I still choose whom to be with, but most of the time, I’d spend my time alone. It’s quite and I kinda like it. I have a friend in me. My child self wants to come out when she’s not being watched, but she can be herself when she’s with the right people. It’s good to be free. It’s nice to be your true self.

Sometimes, I think that maybe I am destined to be with people instead of them being with me, but I also have friends; we may not see each other often but one day you’ll find us get together at the most unexpected time, all unplanned; like it just happened; our destination just matches and we just say YES to anything we can do when the time comes; like it’s meant to be.

My time will come, but I feel like.. Hmm.. Maybe it’s not for me. It is also because I have such a bad experience with family and my perception of family is kinda distorted. I have so much healings to do, and I have so much dreams and goals to accomplish. I wanted it with someone but I think it’s not going to happen. That’s probably why it’s not happening to me yet because I closed my mind about family, it felt too ugly for me; I can only hear my mothers negativities at the back of my mind, my father cheating on her; all those bad thoughts and her difficulties in believing it really happened; so full of drama; it’s like a recording that’s playing in the background.

Her confusion confuses me and it’s scary because it also happened to me, I had that fear of becoming either one of them and it’s just so scary. The shame that they both feel is just crazy. Me and brother just laughed at it. I wonder how my younger brother felt, being gossiped as a product of adultery just because his parents weren’t married. I hope one day when he’s grown older and was able to conquer shame, he’d find a way to keep his family; and as a sister, I am just right here willing to support him.

It is our joy to see them complete. Me and my bro have each other until we have chosen the right one for us. As the preaching says last Sunday, we only have one God, regardless of our religion, we call on to one God. Just like we may have different mothers but we have the same father. We are maybe boys and girls but we’re destined to marry one happy spirit. They may look different from each other, but they share the same life purpose.

Just like, I may not marry JK of BTS but I will marry JK-like someone. For sure there’s a lot of people like him, I just haven’t met them yet, but one day I will. I would definitely like to marry someone who can make me laugh like crazy 😂😋. I still have a lot to do. I still have to grow more and more and more until I am strong enough to stand on my own without falling into dependency. Until then, I’ll just be happy, knowing that my time will also come, I just have to grow a little more each day😊.

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