I was sad lately; I felt a little out of reasons and I’m not feeling well, a feeling of void, not being good enough, constantly complaining; things I’m so tired of being, already. I wanted to change and I wanted to be happy.
I started wondering what makes the successful actors and actresses and other happy personalities similar to normal people, happily working. I wonder what keeps them going and what keeps them smiling despite the fame and the issues thrown at them; and how about those happy sellers who earns little than I do.
I envy them all. I saw myself in the middle of nowhere, lost and unsure; definitely unhappy, upset, confused, helpless, enraged, ungrateful, unsatisfied. Is it only me? Am I the only one feeling all these burdens? How unfortunate and yet I am fortunate; lucky enough to live, to have goals achieved, dreams being manifested. Lucky enough to buy the things I want, but how come I’m not happy, as happy as those above and below me? What drives them in life? What mindset is that that keeps them going.
I wonder how on earth am I feeling sad despite my privileges. I wonder how am I feeling so helpless despite my abilities. I wonder how on earth do I still feel left behind despite the progress I have made for myself. What am I searching for? What really makes me happy? Do I want someone? Yes, I do. I dreamt of someday having someone loyal to me, supporting and acknowledging.
I wanted to be acknowledged. I wanted to be owned. I wanted someone to be proud of me. I wanted this “One person” to choose me above others. I’m not sure who but I always have this feeling of jealousy that I’m not sure where it’s coming from. Others gets chosen despite my qualifications. Why am I not getting what I wanted from someone.
I almost felt like begging; I guess this is more than enough. Why am I doing this? Is it really worth it? I deserve more, I deserve better but why do I have to beg for someone that’s NOT meant for me? What’s causing this? What got into me and what’s the root cause of this addiction. Why am I crippling myself and putting myself down when I can stand up on my own. Why am I calling myself this someone I am not just because others call me that or simply because I am not the other person; is that really true about me?
What is this fear that’s holding me back? Why on earth am I holding back? Who bullied me this hard that I got so traumatized and will do everything just to stop it from happening again? Was I laughed at? Was I charged of something I didn’t do? Was I bullied so hard I didn’t even noticed it? Was I putting a blind eye and allowing them to disrespect me because I think I’m not good enough? Am I acting fine even if I’m not? Or am I acting a victim even if I’m the culprit?
Im hungry, I need to buy gift for my new “GodDaughter”. Gotta go! Ciao!
Now I’m back, I still haven’t answered my question? What is it that keeps everyone kicking? It’s this feeling that they get when they hear someone’s cheering for them. It’s this support system that’s invisible to them. They may not have seen them all but they acknowledge every single one of them that it radiates across the globe, no matter where they are.
Once a believer, always a believer. I believe! I believe in the unknown supporter who’s willing to die for you, to suffer for you, just to be with you. If you only allow them to. They believe in themselves deserving of all the blessings, worked even harder for the one who lay his life for me to live a life I deserve; for me to realize that I’m a winner. He let himself lost for me to win. He doesn’t compete with me. He’s not jealous and he’s kind.
That reminds me of KimPau 😍
Climbing, Rocks! 