Grieving is frustrating. It hits me everytime I’m triggered, negative thoughts, losses, rejections, failures, uncontrollable things, etc. The last time I grieved was 10 years ago, with my dying uncle, it frustrates me knowing that there’s nothing I can do, he was really going to die due to old age. Feeling useless sucks and really frustrating. Even if I would have all the money in the world, if it’s time for someone to really go, no-one can stop it.
He was old on his 80. He stood up like a father for around 3 years. I had doubts, I hated him and blamed him for taking my mother’s attention, but it wasn’t right because she was always been like that before he came. I really thought she’s into him because of his money but I was wrong again because she never stopped being hard working like she’s always been. Then I started asking about her past life trying to understand what made her decide.
She’s doing everything for attention, the daughters craving of a father’s love and affection. I totally misunderstood her and got angry for no reason like a brat who doesn’t want to do anything that will make her happy even if it’s making me suffer as well. I lack understanding and I had mistaken her, I suffered and blamed her for it. But it wasn’t her, it was my choice to run away without listening to her, without asking for more questions. I prescribed based on my assumptions not based on facts that’s why she never listened.
It seems like my lack of understanding caused me trouble, I could have stayed in the past, be there for her and understand her situation but I was too weak. Therefore, I must understand my young self as well, forgive, move on and learn from the lesson. 10 years after, my real grandfather passed away at same age (Jan. 2025), this time I accepted it’s because he’s old enough, got sick but was unable to recover. It’s frustrating but I’m not running away from anyone this time, unlike 10 years ago where I had to quit everything (jobs, etc ) like it was my fault. hide from my self and be gone for 3 years. Life was crazy in my early twenties, I had a lot of confusion and you do not know whom you can trust; I had to face it all alone.
Now that I’m in my 30’s, real people started to appear. When I say real, it’s because they share real stuffs without sugar coating. I’m slowly understanding that life in the outside is a reflection of your inside world. When you started being real about you, you start attracting the real one’s too, that’s how you see whom you can trust. I remember a new acquaintance ask how he would determine who is real among all his friends; it seems like he’s having trouble seeing it’s because he’s having lots of so called “Friends.”
I hope he will read this, “Not everyone who smiles at you and say good morning are friends; most of the time it’s simply showing respect and admiration, you don’t have to do anything in return, you just have to be thankful.” Real friends are rare, sometimes they’re not always visible but they’re always around. It could be your pets, they listened without judgement, they support even if they cannot do what you can, they simply trust that you can. They’re silent but they’re always around to listen and support your decisions no matter how scary that can be. Most importantly, real friends doesn’t befriend you just to get something out from you. Real friends will speak up and will tell you honest feedback and will give their advise with explanation “Why?” instead of making you feel like a freak that cannot change, feeding your weakness instead of helping you grow.
What makes life interesting is that you can prove them wrong, just do it! Show them what you’ve got, without holding back. Keep learning until you become a master, let their criticism inspires you to be hungry for progress and growth. Show them the result and then move on without asking anything in return. If their actions discouraged you, “I’ll do it for me instead”. Read it again, it’s for you.
Climbing, Rocks! 