I was always scared to fall, to be shamed, to be bullied; to be laughed, to be rejected, to be alone and lastly, to walk away alone; so it took so long for me to START doing things alone. I waited and waited and waited but no one came to be with me. I forced myself just to have someone but you cannot force others, you’ll end up being hurt because of your own actions.
Having realized that, I started doing things Solo, little by little, with just a little faith, patience and little steps. I finally visited places in the Visayas and Mindanao on my own. To others, it may not mean anything but to me it’s already the biggest steps I have taken.
Growing up in school, churches, neighbors and relatives without parents around to fight for me if I’d make a mess, mistakes, or even wronged someone made me feel doubt, insecure, unsupported, even if I have not taken that first step yet. She was right: I am negatively judging in advance, given my parents unsupportive behaviour specially on the Father side.
I was also in denial of that fact because it’s embarassing, and I did spent my first 1-6 years with my father around, it may not be that perfect because their relationship hasn’t been supported and she always felt like unaccepted even after the so called “Marriage”. She knew in her heart that it was not meant to be but because she was already pregnant with me, she had no choice but to accept the forced marriage just to save lossing faces on both sides.
I used to blame myself too whenever I see my mother worrying financially and whenever she tells her stories, but I noticed it was not my fault because I only ask what she can afford and I adjust all the time, worked on my studies and finished it without so much pain on her part. She should have said “No” in the first place and not force herself to marry. In the end, she raised, educated me all by herself like she never had a husband.
Observing her way of making decisions, she’s scared of doing things on her own. She wants everyone to be involved even if she doesn’t like it and even if she knew it will end like it was before, doing things on her own. Her desire to control others with her help is making her suffer, because she can’t control anyone in the end, they’ll always leave for someone else; just like what my father did to her.
I have had so much anger management issues growing up that I kept within, and just like her I also couldn’t do things on my own without dragging others into it even if I do not like them basically. I attracted people as envious as me. So I decided to take that first step with just a little faith that I have to do things without anyone around or any desire to control, completely opposite from hers. That’s when I appreciate the essence of freedom.
I am proud to say that I have gone so far and have made this far because I took little steps into doing things SOLO. It’s better to do it alone Solo than doing it alone with someone. It may have been hard for her to change direction because she believe that that’s her role to play, but I have a different belief. They’re discouraging me of my bold decisions so I am not letting them know. You will not get support from people who are not like-minded.
Therefore, it’s important to surround yourself with people who understand your values, that way you will be supported, lifted up, and cheered up on. Never be afraid of flying solo and pursuing what makes you happy alone. I liked walking alone since it’s my only choice. If you ask me now if it’s lonely? No, it was funny. I had the best time with me. I learned myself better, my wants, what’s troubling me, what did I do wrong, etc. Being honest with yourself and listening to her will give you hint on how to support your own growth. Remembering that my little faith in the Lord, and little trust in his power starts it all. I took action because of that faith, and I learned patience by understanding and accepting that crops won’t grow right away.
Looking back at my father’s background, he was not as supported by the family as he deserve. Knowing that he was actually helping his parents so he had not gone to school, but as far as I have observed, the parents supported the others more than him. I also understand why he’s not with us all the time because he’s confused, so instead of choosing us or his parents, he choose someone else instead of himself.
They just didn’t know the power of choosing themselves. They’re like slaves of their own wrong choices. He acted like a hero; she acted like a hero too. They’re both not choosing me or themselves. Maybe if there’s a great lesson they must learn from their youth, is to choose themselves if not their own children. I think if they choose themselves they’ll automatically support their children’s. We wouldn’t have been feeling abandoned, feeling bad about ourselves for being abandoned. It felt so bad and it’s so embarrassing to accept it. Soon as I started validating my own feelings, I also understand their wrong actions. I may not have been on their shoes, but I know the feeling and I understand how hard it is for a normal human being to do the right thing.
They have so little faith in themselves that they couldn’t leave their old families and let them destroy ours. You may always have faith in yourselves and let your children’s be your source of hope and always choose them. Your goal is to build them strong to stand on their own and not be like you. Abandoning them will only create a whole new broken person like you.
Courage to take responsibility, accepting mistakes and saying NO in the end.
I had only a little faith in the Lord, and that’s all I had. I am still suffering from abandonment and I still have so much traumas handed down to me by both my parents. I have not resented them anymore for their weaknesses; I understand their situation and now every trigger is an opportunity for me to find the root cause, forgive the past through Understanding and compassion, and give chance for the present, with little faith.
Climbing, Rocks! 