Without courage, we wouldn’t be able to walk because we will not take that first step forward. I had no exact idea how I learned to walk, I just had courage, for sure I crawled first and then I started holding unto heavy and strong objects and started standing and then walking to the other side of the wall.
They said I was a scared baby and they will always carry me wherever they go. I had weak legs but I think I was just acting because I was scared, and my legs are fine. I was scared of of everything back then, except that goat without a horn, the yellow butterflies in my backyard, the rain, the thunder.
We don’t usually experienced scary disasters like earthquakes and typhoons back there. If we have heavy rains it would be a blessing because mangoes will be falling from the trees and we’re excited to harvest them for free from the ground, no need to climb 🤣.
For 15 years, it was so awesome! I felt free! Despite being abandoned, I still have the whole community. It’s nice to be known for being you. My neighbors basically raised me.
As far as I have remembered, I would be scared of doing things on my own because I was afraid that my parents would leave me behind. As a child, I always have fear of abandonment because we’re always are abandoned. Sometimes alone in the evening, sometimes with the neighbors.
I felt so bullied everytime I seek for playmates and I would always pretend that I am fine because no one would stand up for me anyway if I’ll fight for me, it would always be my fault. Unlike my brother, he would cry and rollover the dusty ground and then they would protect him. Even if it’s his fault, I’m still at fault. Even if you just cared, it’s my fault; the elder sister’s fault for not understanding.
I became his nanny, a servant. I don’t have the attention I used to have. My clothing became men’s clothing for my brother to follow soon as a he grow taller. It was not for me, I just borrowed, it was for the brother. Oh, he got spoiled and everyone wants to protect him still. Even if he’ll lie, they’ll believe him. He didn’t even finish school because he said it’s tiring.
So we’ll have to give him financial support because he can’t make his own money without labor. I tried supporting him financially swallowing my pride because they call me “Merciless” for not supporting him, and he even became worst. They’re all against me and I was the bad sheep. Without courage to do what is right regardless of how others perceive me, I wouldn’t be able to keep my life going.
Breaking free from your old patterns due to fear of “Losing” requires so much courage to move on without others support. You must do it for yourself, because you deserve your freedom and at the same time, it will give them no choice but to also stand on their own. It’s painful to be judged without knowing your reasons; be strong and provide those who deserve.
Courage helped me achieved my goals too. If it wasn’t because of my courage, I wouldn’t enroll myself to Grade 5 without parents. School was 2 hours away from home by foot. I did it anyway. Courage also helped me met competitive students when I decided to transfer to Section A 5 prior to graduation. I let go of the 1st to be with the best, and I still ended up at Top 5. Amazing right?
Courage also made me dance at school activities. I noticed that my extracurricular activities were so poor that it doesn’t match with my academic scores. I have to do something to balance everything, so I decided to dance and join sports during intramurals. It was a funny experience and I’m so proud to have graduated high school with honors, almost hit the #1 but I feel like someone else’s deserved it because of my family background, etc.
Deep within me still feel undeserving regardless of how good I perform and that’s really disappointing. It came to a point that I don’t want to do anything anymore because I would always feel like a loser despite winning. I remember I was given the 2nd best actress in one of our school competition for “Jose Rizal” subject, and I wasn’t even happy, it was like nothing for me. So even if I will be crowned the 1st, I wouldn’t be happy still. We have lots of wins during group activities and I would be happy for others not for me.
Courage really help me do things for me this time, not for family or for anyone. This time, I’m doing it for me. I was just so lucky to have met “Marquis” in 2018; courage also made me get to know him for that short span of time, despite feeling depressed ( he came in just in time after my 1st ever break up, I was in pain and anger). His advises serves as my guidance since then. I hope he’s doing well. His time in the Military helped him read my needs and what I need to do. He basically reprogrammed me like kind of a hypnosis, that I’m so blessed to have gotten it for free.
When you lost all meanings and you don’t know what to do anymore in life, just have courage to seek help and guidance. No matter how many times you feel disappointed, always have courage to start again. I started with training exercise, a simple walking and jogging, but most importantly “I bought a new shoe!” “The first ever expensive shoe I bought using my mother’s money, haha!” I had courage to try buying that nice shoe with her money. It felt great!
Then I started training and learning new things, Zumba Dancing, opening my mind to any opportunities available with my mother’s weekly allowances. I’m still blessed I had courage to return home after facing my fear of losing my virginity and feeling broke. That courage taught me a lot of things and helped stand on my own without family around, no relatives, nothing.
Two years was more than enough to start taking responsibility of myself. I got super broke, feeling my shame and accepting all my faults, whatever that was. The mother will always be a mother and it’s funny how supportive she was after messing up 🤣, it felt great because that time, I really did messed up. I finally felt her support after I messed up again. So I’m thankful and grateful of her.
Courage made me start again and correct my mistakes. I became kind, thankful and helpful and a bit understanding, until the Pandemic and all other calamities that followed after. It humbles me and helped me relax and seek understanding instead what’s right or wrong. We all have histories we need to deal with, traumas rooted from generations to generations. I started reading books related to emotions, etc.
Courage made face myself and understand where my temper came from and why I react a certain way. Self awareness helped me tamed my own dragon. Courage to change my ways also supports my goals. Engage in activities like trekking, mountain climbing, camping. All of those can help on your self reflection. You can’t really correct yourself if you don’t know the root cause of your issue.
Courage also helped me walk away from trouble. Instead of chasing after them like a crazy fool, I followed my dreams, and doing things that I have not done yet. Taking responsibility of your own healing instead of blaming it on others for not changing is a golden rule for me. You can do all things with courage and faith in the unknown, the good Lord that supports you unconditionally.
These days, were facing calamities again and these days made me think again of what is best for all of us. I’m into something I really really wanted if only I didn’t have to go to school. This time, I want to own it. Still learning the right ways and getting some inspiration from the Farmers! Oh, and my brother is helping my mother with her garden. I noticed she’s actually into gardening ever since. She had never stopped gardening and gathering seeds. That is something I will definitely support.
Because of that I slowly understand the cycle of life, and understand the importance of segregating the Biodegradable from the Non biodegradable; composting. I learned all of the basics in the life in my Elementary and High School Days, forget about college, it’s all about theories. You’ll learn skills through experience and micro trainings.
Fear of losing will only keep you losing. Fear of abandonment will keep you abandoned in order for you to learn to stand and decide what is best for you instead of having others dictate your life. Your life is up to you. Take responsibility of your actions and say “no” if it’s a “no”. Your “What if” will only make you say “yes” instead of a “No.” Meaning to say, “You’re in doubt and you’re not sure.” Just say “No” already if you’re not ready. It will keep you away from trouble. One more thing, remember to be content, the universe will keep running away from you the more you chase for more. You’ll be exhausted and will be left with nothing in the end. Be thankful and grateful instead and do it in your own pace, no rush and have fun. Death doesn’t require achievements, it will be useless in the end, so don’t dwell so much on it, just keep going.
Climbing, Rocks! 