Since my mother left us, I started feeling homeless and insecure, no safe home to come home, no food ready to eat, no one’s calling me to eat. It was the toughest time of my life. Yet, I never thought of quitting from school. Right now, I am cooking 🍳 for me. I am going to become a chef one day.
Since she never taught me how to do household chores before she left. I put myself to a caregiving school instead. I never learned anything from her but the wrong things I did. Never get appreciated of who I am, so I appreciate myself in every good little things I did, and forgive my self for every bad little things I choose to make to experience naughtiness. Others admired me for my cuteness as a child, my neighbors did, even my classmates, but I never believed them because my mother never told me that, I thought they’re just lying. So I corrected myself and started believing in others who can also see the best in me. Mother’s approval is unnecessary, although her comments matters. She’s right most of the time with her advises and I listen to those. I am still thankful and grateful for her kindness.
But before, I even got angry or frustrated at myself everytime someone appreciated me, my mother never really appreciate me, nor sees me as a blessing but a curse and a burden that adds up to her problems, that without me she would have finished school and live a single life, happy and free. So right now, I am exaggerating all the little happiness I have experienced in this world.
Later on, she found a way to leave us. She never told me nor my father. Later on I just heard from my father that she’s already gone. I felt so bad about myself, disrespected and feeling so abandoned. She never died, but she said she died, so I lived that way. Two years after my father settled in with my step mom, she came back acting like our hero, as if we are being mistreated, when in fact it was me who had that bad temper towards my stepmother. I admit it, I was young, but I learned from that. Soon as I get to know my mother, I realized how lucky my father was and right now to have that sweet and caring stepmom, not just to her kids, but to me as well. Once I returned home and sleep at their house, she prepared me food for my travel back to Cebu. I heard they’re friends with my brother and that’s very satisfying. Mapapa sana all ka nalang. Because of that, I strive to respect myself and I strive to keep myself aware and I strive to be honest no matter how it will cost me.
Our grandparents looked after us after she left, my father’s younger brothers became my friends and I just moved on with life. I lived a happy life without my mother, but she came back acting like someone else’s. She thought we experienced what she had experienced when she was young. She offered help out of pity even if we really didn’t need it, because our grandparents will never forsake us. In fact, they’re the ones who parented me. I felt being a part of something with my grandparents around. They never include me nor my brother of their misunderstandings with my mother. My grandfather made sure it didn’t happened. So instead of thinking about how unlucky and ashamed I was to have her, I choose to feel grateful and thankful that I had those good people around me, who are good to me in her absence. Life isn’t perfect after all, and that’s what makes life interesting. You will never know what’s next until you get there. So guys, just do it.
Anyways, that’s not what my mother told the world, and anyone she knew that I also met. She told them her childhood story like it was me. She made me appear the most pitiful human being in the entire world, that without her I am nothing! Which was partly true, she gave birth to us anyway, fed us until 8 years old. Others believed she loved us because she lied in front of them, but when we’re alone, she had the cruelest voice like I am nothing to her, (I too deserves a little respect even as a child). Oh well, they all died by the way, good for them for supporting her lies and not knowing the truth, although people die anyway, I shouldn’t blame anyone nor myself for all the trespasses we have made, I failed to tell the truth because it’s a long2 story to tell, it involves a lot of people, until now. That is why I am not going to introduce you to her, I respect her privacy, besides she’s just going to deny I’m her child anyway and tell lies after lies. She never had children’s, she had nephews and nieces and she’s so proud of them, and we’re just nothing. She made me feel so guilty of her actions, but it’s okay, I am convinced that it’s not our fault. She just doesn’t accept her better self that’s in us. And like me before, she also hated it being her better self I guess, who knows.
Oh well, all of those experiences inspires me to be the best I can be, not to impress her because it wont happen if she will not allow herself to see it. But this is to impress the people who ones believed in me, regardless if they’d be jealous afterwards. It is for those who are proud to have met me and allowed me to speak up and be my crazy self and they still accept me for what I am because they have eyes that sees me beyond my imperfections. I have no other choice but to show my best self beyond what is being expected of me.
I understand that mother never cooked for me because nobody cooked for her when she’s a teenager anyway. She just gave me money enough for school and food and not for my other needs that makes me happy, but that’s okay even if she made others believe that I had the most wonderful life ever, everything was given- oh I feel so bad about myself- it’s not true at all. I wanted a mother to praise me and listen to my personal needs, not to brag about anything I can live without. But that’s over now, I have surrendered. It’s not going to happen. Time to laugh and let go of the things I cannot change and change the things I can. Thanks to that experience, I learned how to be happy even without getting the things I really want.
Everytime I asked for something I like, she would tell me all the financial worries she have, how much more she needed to achieve our dreams which was only hers because I never wanted any of her life choices. She’ll asked me what I want and then screw it. Such a badass childish mother I never wished to have, but I guess I’m still lucky because there are worst mother in this world compared to mine.
I was tough, I dreamed even bigger and find my own way to provide for my personal needs. I accepted my situation even though I still really hated it that time. I must succeed and then pay all her money soon as I’ll become successful, that’s not what I really wanted. To give back to her is the right thing to do, it is my longest and deepest desire that I am currently doing, little by little, I’d be able to pay the money I owed to her since I started accepting her “Conditional Help”. I started with the latest help she offered that once again she said “I am nothing” and made me feel very unworthy in front of anyone who lives near me, but I kept on going. It bothered me, but I am striving to forgive them all. It’s a vow I made to myself.
I am now happy on my way towards my longest goal, to give it all back unconditionally like how I am supposed to be given financially not out of anger or revenge, but out of good intentions. Really seeing my worth and value and what else I can do, made me get through it all. It’s my perseverance and my dreams for a better life that made me who I am today, compared to my childhood.
I am finally be able to take pride of the people who truly loved me and accepted me for who I am and sees greatness in me even if I never see it yet nor believe in it yet. When all I saw was the struggles I’ve been through to be a good person, to return back to the real people after I was being provided with negativities and so much lied to support their fake love.
Although, I lived in fear since that day I choose her. I could have stayed back there and pursue college my own by working as both an academic scholar and working scholar; yet I still became successful in those college time anyway. I am so lucky, still, that I became stronger because of her. Her story ended, and when I woke up, I saw my other dreams being manifested. I win in the end and that’s all that matters.
But the craziest part is that, she think I changed because she’s not expecting me to be the exact opposite of what they always think I am, but it’s always been me since the day I was born. It’s so sad she doesn’t know anything about me but herself. All mother’s must learn how to listen to their children’s, it’s your 2nd step of becoming a real mother, but your first step is to own your children’s. Unlike my mother, she didn’t own us, she treated us like adopted children’s from our father’s family.
It was all part of the process to also give me a very good lesson that will prepare me to becoming a good mother and a wife to my future children’s and husband. But that cost me a lot of prayers to forgive them and let them go in peace . At least I am on my way to make things right in my time.
“I’ll give to myself what they cannot dare to give me.” – Beu 🌹