Taking a chance is a step that can change your life forever, not in a magical way but definitely life-changing.
Once, I have dreamed of becoming top 1 in our University department, so I studied so hard but it was never good enough. I wonder how Deans Lister could have done it. I often ask myself “What’s their secret?” They seemed normal to me but they’re diffinitely having fun in a way that felt so intimidating.
I wonder how they can have fun in the middle of solving a hard accounting problem. They surely knew how hard the subject is that they’re very interested in it. Look at me, observing them as if a bystander. “Am I with them? Am I in the wrong room? Am I just here to simply observe?”
It felt like I was not supposed to be in that room. While others are worrying about getting the assignments done, getting the tuitions, etc. I was just not caring at all. It seems like I was only at school because I am young. I never thought of what’s going to happen in the future. I ask my mother and then she will just gave it to me without questions. I asked and then I recieved. I just have to be patient. Spoiled Brat.
Sometimes, I feel bad for being always absent minded, I was not interested at all but I have to pass all of my subjects to maintain my scholarships to ease my mother’s burden. School fees are expensive specially in a private school. I still did not find some motivation to level up, I kept on looking up and wondering how did they did that.
I lost my appetite to be number one anymore, I wasn’t good enough. I grew up angry and frustrated like I was a total failure to mother like a shame to my family, specially after I got kicked out from the program for not passing the qualifying exam for 3rd year. I was very emotional because I lost my dream of being number one during board exam, I can’t even pass qualifying exam how can I pass board exam, that was a crazy young ambition, at least it kept me going.
It was like a waking time for me that the dream I am dreaming isn’t easy and I can’t just ask for it, it’s hard. The qualifying exam was really really hard for all of us, that I feel like I was taking a real board exam and failed immediately. A lot of those questions were not discussed. I hated it but it’s their school. Only the best in our class passed. I felt so bad for nothing. “How I wish I had enough time to study all of the accounting things, if only without those minor subjects acting like majors.” I simply wanted to learn things slowly without pressure.
Even so, my fellow academics still did it to the top! I’m so amazed. Maybe I am not doing what they’re doing or simply because I actually did not want to learn accounting, I just want to be #1. I dreamed of becoming a Deans Lister in class but I didn’t knew if I was doing the right thing. They all have family backgrounds when it comes to accounting, so they have family members who can coach them if they needed help. I didn’t have any and that thought really frustrates me.
We all need a coach. Coaches that have been there already. Coaches that can show you the way ahead of time, what did you do wrong, what could you have done better. It’s not wrong to seek help. If you want to get ahead in life, you needed a good coach who have shown great results.
It’s like going into battle unprepared. I wasn’t ready for it and I fell short. It’s not because I’m not good enough because I have good grades on all my minor subjects. If only I was good in accounting, I could have become one of the top 10 students during graduation. I was still awarded as top 10 on my third year, not bad. I’m still thankful and grateful for that.
After leaving college, everyone chooses their own way. I decided to take on the BPO career path because it’s interesting, for sure I will be learning more. I always had a thought of not being good enough in accounting, it was hard as hell and I don’t want to work in that field.
I’m fully aware I am not equipped. I wanted to start over and I decided to learn the BPO world, starting from learning how to socialize with people because I never had that on college, Back in college, I only had 1-2 people I talked to. The top students are friendly to me and I could have ask help, I could have ask them to explain how it was done but I was “Too Shy” for it, so I just copied their answers (assignments) and then learn it after, but still I could have ask them.
Asking questions will never make you any less. It will clear things up and it will make you even better.
The reason why I hesitated to ask my college classmates questions even if I’m still doubtful is because to me I will appear weak in front of them and I don’t want to appear weak, I wanted to appear strong and fine. That was the biggest hindrance of my growth, the wrong mindset.
I resigned after a year of serving my first BPO company because I was charged of sleeping by a Director even if I was not, I was just closing my eyes for a bit because my job was done and we’re not allowed to do other things, not even eating. Sleeping is different from meditating, isn’t it? When you’re being good at work and got charged right away big time, you will be disappointed big time as well. The Universe has its own way of saying, “It’s time to move on.”
Left in 2014 and found another BPO in 2015. I had big hopes once again, learning my communication skills while working, it turns out to be all just in a dream, I wasn’t ready for it. It was not as friendly as I thought it was. I thought they’re really good because it’s a big company and it’s known. I thought they had milk instead of coffee. I thought they had lots of free drinks instead of just water and coffee. I thought they’re not bullies, I thought I will be safe from that previous colleague from my first BPO who ask me to try my first sexual experience with him (he transferred to that company as well) I really thought he’s a friend because I think so. I thought I will be safe from my uncle and bully cousin since childhood( oops, they both worked in the same company) Welcome to the family gathering! 😄
Oops, I was already there, I had to finish 6 months, so I suffered big time until my mind and body stopped synching due to lack of sleep, emotionally unstable (dying uncle and in denial mother). I was not myself anymore, I was in shocked and so numb due to freezing environment. I had no choice but to choose myself, submitted a letter and quitted effective immediately (decided not to talk about that experience, no-one would understand how 4 months felt like 4 years of suffering for me). I needed rest long time that a simple vacation leave would not suffice. I developed anxieties and got traumatized and never wanted to return back. I said, “I will never go back again and will never work in a BPO again.” I never talked about that and never wanted to mention it but it seems like I deserve to be healed as well. So I’ll talked about it for me but I’m still scared thinking about it like “I want to run away from that experience.” Quitting is a shame, makes you appear weak.
I promised to forget about that embarrassing and life threatening experience and simply live a life like others wanted me to, becoming an office girl working with physical papers, not learning anything new, doing repetitive jobs that makes me feel stagnant, working long hours without leave because no one can replace you. The universe is not really giving up on me that I met one of my previous mates in my first BPO, working from home doing the back office and learning new things.
I always wanted to start over. I became her apprentice while thinking about what to do in life. I decided to work on myself first, getting to know new people that can be of good influence to me. I needed change. I need to try new things I haven’t tried before, I needed to stand on my own away from the family who have been scaring me and making me feel less and bullied for being dependent and not contributing anything.
In 2016, I quit my office job and decided to be in a relationship. Maybe being a housewife is for me, so I learned stuffs I have not learned at home and School. He taught me house works including drinking “Mule” 😄 (That was funny!) I’m still blessed because he had his own world, but the problem is I cannot match his frequency. I wanted to learn more, travel more, experience more, he wanted to stay indoor.
Relationship failed for the first time, it seems like I’m not ready and I have so much things to do in life that he’s not willing to support morally. He made me feel less for choosing to be his servant. I have emptied my savings and decided to go home for the mean time while still figuring out what I wanted to do next. I wasn’t ready for marriage even if he would ask, he didn’t by the way; he probably knew I am still getting to know him and was undecided to stay with him forever or not. I left in the end, I needed to grow more.
I met an honest friend two months after the break up, who told me good things about me and that helped me get up from the constant negative feedback of my exes. I would have married the new guy that time but I was in so much pain, I cannot take another relationship to be broken again. I chose healing over hurting others. Met someone who made me believe in fantasies and I was not so busy to decline but that was wrong, I should have said, NO. I stayed single since then. I still have a lot to forgive.
Taking myself into a new journey, studying about Caregiving in 2019. I had so much surprises and I’m so thankful that my parents actually cared about me. Thank goodness she had me borrowed her wealth and I finished another curriculum that I considered my starting point. I gained back my confidence and wanted to get a new job to pay her!
You need to think of giving back, in order to work harder and start earning. A sense of responsibility gave me that power to focus and do something about myself.
Started again in 2020 because a trusted friend referred me to the company. It felt good, I had achieved things I thought I wouldn’t, started new things and was happy about it. Just in time when you’re feeling so comfortable that you never thought of changing because it’s your first time staying in a company for more than a year, that another thing happened, the typhoon Odette strikes!
Because of the movements, I volunteered to pack some things for the employees. I met someone amazing! I was impressed for the first time and I wanted to grow and become strong just like him. He was a Leader and I wanted to learn more about leadership. Opportunity knocked in my door and I took it because it was for free. Oh and to my surprise! I was surprised! He leads the program and I found out he’s from, guess it, it was the best program ever. I was not ready for it but I remember something, “I wanted to learn more.”
Then somebody pressed the wrong buttons that it pushed me out and redirects me to somewhere more interesting which I never thought I would be given a chance. A place I was so scared of stepping in and have already forgotten. A call for a better change, something new, and so much better. It felt like I was living in a dream, and I still am.
Oh they’ve got everything I have only wished others had 10 years ago. I’m still a scared baby in the industry but I’m in the right place now. Thankful and grateful for all the guidance and the courage I earned that helped me took that chance.
It’s never too late to start over, just give yourself and others a chance. Not everyone is the same. The dream you’re dreaming actually existed, maybe not today but definitely in the future. The Universe is still preparing for it or you’re either pulling away from it.
Why not?
The past maybe scary that if I think of it now, it felt like going back to a place where I don’t want to. You’re no longer there. Be present! Stay in the moment. Be here now.
Climbing, Rocks! 